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Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?