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I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars