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Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?