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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Being an American is awesome. The end.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.