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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending Iām being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button