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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"