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They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL