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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake