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Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
No way Iām the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"