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I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.