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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.