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The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.