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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
How do nudist clean their glasses?
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...