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I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.