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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.