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I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
I wish I could veto MY bills.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.