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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.