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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.