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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."