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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.