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I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?