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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!