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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.