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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.