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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.