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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!