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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
What number SPF blocks people?
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.