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I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
My life is just one long improvisation.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.