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“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.