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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears