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If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.