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my wish for tonight is for the person reading this status to have a Good Night!
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there