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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister