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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.