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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords