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I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day