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I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus