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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!