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When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
I just ran a .003048K
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.