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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I just threw up my weekend.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like