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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Just for kicks I posted "I won the LOTTERY" on Facebook. One girl liked it, then replied to the inbox message I sent her in 2010. *Blocked*
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!