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Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.