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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.