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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
It should really be called teethpaste.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.