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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.