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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.