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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.