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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.