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My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.