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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?