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OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?