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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"