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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.