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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.