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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.