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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.