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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.