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If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.