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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.