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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.