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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.