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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.