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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”