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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.