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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I`m having an out of money experience.