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They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
only 9530 days until retirement.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness