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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.