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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
This patience thing takes forever.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.