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A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.