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I wish I had a friend like me
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?