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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
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Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box