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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
So... Where does one obtain minions?
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.