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When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!