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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.