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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.