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Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.