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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.