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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2