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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”