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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.