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I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t