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I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
is "insert clever remark here."
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
This status has been censored by Facebook
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."