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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
I am the bestest at the English language...
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.