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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.