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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.