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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.