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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Reincarnation is my only hope.