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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis