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This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?