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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
never be afraid to wipe twice
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.