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I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D