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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.