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If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...