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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO