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In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…