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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."