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Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.