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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.