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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
They say love is more important than money. I`d like to see them go and try to pay their bills with a hug.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.