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They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective