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You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.