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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point