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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.