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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.